On Dealing with the Suicide of a Loved One

This is going to be my most personal entry thus far. As some of you already know, I lost my girlfriend of almost five years to suicide in June of 2007. It has been no easy feat to regain any of the emotional ground I lost when that happened, there's still a lot of work to be done. I grieve every day, even though I have a beautiful fiancee who is firmly on my side. Thankfully, she does not feel threatened by Janine's ghost and, when I am troubled by thoughts of her, I can easily speak to Coco and she will understand. I need to do this on a fairly regular basis.

My first thoughts when I heard the news were simultaneously, "This can't be happening," and "Oh, my God, I knew this would happen." I think the cognitive dissonance with those two thoughts clashing added to the feeling of unreality that many people experience when they lose someone close to them. I was shocked, horrified, heartbroken, but not surprised. We had often in our years together discussed our mutual suicidal tendencies. If I'd really been courageous enough to think about it, I might have suspected from the beginning that it would end that way. She'd attempted multiple times before she'd met me. But, in the dopey way that love has, I figured somehow I could save her. Now, I am haunted by the fear that somehow, in some way, I might have contributed to her end.

When we got to Philadelphia for her memorial service, I was deeply moved by the anguish in the faces of her family. It mirrored what I felt inside but I don't know if they could read it in me. I tend to hide my emotions when they are that extreme. I came away with the conclusion that, despite my suicide attempt on the night of my 19th birthday, despite the fact that I'd always predicted that I would someday die by my own hands, despite my harrowing depressive bouts, that I could never do that to those I loved. I was not angry at her. Never have been. I understood all too well the pain that drove her that far. But I promised myself that I'd never hurt the people I cared about in that way, abandon them with all that agony.

But, something strange happens when people who have dealt with suicidal thoughts and feelings are confronted with the suicide of someone they love. And I've actually read about this in a book, so I know I'm not the only one this has happened to. Knowing someone who went through with it can make it seem like you now have permission to do it, it legitimizes the act. You feel that if they could do it, so can you. I began to forget my vow. Suicidal thoughts started creeping in again. Before I met Coco, I strongly considered doing whatever it took to rejoin Janine.

So, I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. I made a vow never to do that to people I care about, and yet, the pain I find in living has never gone away. I feel it just as acutely as I did before, perhaps even more so. The thoughts are my constant companions. I contemplate my own demise at length. I sometimes find myself hoping to be diagnosed with a terminal illness so that would take the responsibility out of my hands. Some people say it's the easy way out. But anyone who has lived with severe depression knows there's no easy ways at all. Nothing is easy. The decision to end one's life is not something people do because they think it's the easy way out, they do it because they feel it's the only way. All other options have vanished. Hope has miscarried and been buried in a shallow grave. You find yourself at the point of ground zero of your own destruction coming down from the sky. It's never the easy way out.

I am so sad that Janine is gone. I wish her pain could have been relieved in some other way. That said, I am glad she is no longer experiencing that pain. She did the only thing she thought she could have done. I will never stop hurting from that but I have made a certain amount of peace with the fact that she made her mind up, planned it all out thoroughly, and did what she did because her mental illness closed every single other door on her, as far as she could see from her perspective. I support the right, yes, the right, of any human being to terminate their own life at any time. Only they can say if their pain is too much to bear. I hope it never happens to me again but, if it did, I would mourn dreadfully again and I would understand again. Anyone reading this who knows me personally, you know I fight. You know I do everything in my power to keep the demons at bay. But I was rash when I made my vow. I can't predict my future. I don't know where the torment will take me. I can't promise it will never be me. But, I can say this: every single day I have managed to scrape through in my life has been because of the love of my family and friends. So, I will continue to fight. I won't give in easily. But, if I ever do find myself washed away by the despair, know that I only lived as long as I did because you all loved me and I loved you.