Music And Poetry And Luciferianism And My Desire To Create

Well, last night I was pretty distraught. I hope no one thinks I was being a drama queen. I was really fraying at the edges. This move is taking a major toll on me. But I'm not as nuts tonight as I was last night. So, tonight, I'm going to babble about some things that are important to me and are helping me through this process.

First, musically, it's been all about The Cure. Old Cure, new Cure, in-between Cure. Everything from despair to psychosis to giddiness to humor. I have loved them since Disintegration, which was already well into Robert Smith's career. But it's been 22 years, so I guess I can say I'm a real fan. I have every full length they ever released. I saw them in Nassau Coliseum on the Wish tour and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen in an arena. I generally prefer the more intimate settings of a club and, generally, the bands I listen to only play clubs because hardly anyone has ever heard of them. But Robert Smith and co. lit up that arena that night. It was magical. There is a lot of pain in many of the songs but listening to it can be so cathartic. No one has musical depression down like The Cure.

I've also gotten inspired to read poetry and stuff about poets again. Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath, John Berryman, Robert Lowell, Georg Trakl, and, more recent poets, Louise Glück, Galway Kinnell. All geniuses. Of them all, my favorites are Sexton, Berryman and Glück. Anne Sexton wrote to tear your guts out. She usually succeeded. Very raw. The words are filled with the sense of agony and losing one's grip becoming an imminent threat. Berryman is less easy to understand. He wrote very obscure but emotionally powerful poems. He's probably one of the poets to blame for the fact that most modern people think poetry is completely inscrutable. But I love him. The puzzle, the reward of figuring out a line or two, the sheer ecstasy and anguish he went through in the writing. Brilliant. So, two insanely genius poets who took their own lives. Louise Glück is still among the living. I love her work just as much as the others. She's my favorite living poet. She has a more delicate style while still writing about powerfully emotional subjects. She also likes to use simple words to convey deep thoughts, something a lot of poets think is beneath them. I tend to find many possible meanings in her works. Her books tend to follow a theme. She has built a body of work that is highly esteemed by critics and regular readers of poetry alike.

Also reading (and practicing) Luciferian path stuff. I wrote last night about how it didn't seem to be helping but that's not entirely true. It didn't help last night. But I don't think I'd be getting through this whole move situation without it. I am generally stronger now than I was before I discovered it. Identifying with a God rather than kneeling and begging for forgiveness and mercy and love appeals to me a great deal. I think there is a chance that there are real spiritual entities in this universe but I do not believe in approaching them like a slave. I want to be more like them. That is the essence of the Adversarial path. Identifying with the beings who would not bend their knee before any God and thus were branded as enemies of goodness. Adversaries. Those who walk their own path at all costs, willing to go into the dark places and find the light within. The Gods do not demand faith or love. They don't demand anything. They simply wait and see if you are worthy of their respect. It's entirely up to you what you make of your life. Last night, I obviously wasn't doing too well with that. But I think I haven't squandered all my opportunities and one day, after much invocation and meditation, I will come to see myself as the living embodiment of those deities. It is the path for those who reject the idea that those who remain true to themselves over any other being are damned. Rather, they are the ones who are truly saved.

All of this ties into me feeling like I want to start writing again. Creative writing, not blogging. Blogging is helpful but I want to express my ideas either as poems or stories or poetic stories. I won't have the chance until the move is over but after that, I will have time. I am looking forward to it. In Thelema, Ceremonial Magick, Luciferianism, there is the concept of one's true will. It is what you are in this world to do. Without that will, you are less than fully yourself. For me, I feel that my true will is to write, to create. When I am not writing, I am miserable. When I am writing, I feel that kinship to the Gods. The act of forcing my will and heart upon a piece of paper or a document screen on a computer monitor and making it into whatever I desire it to be, that is divine for me. I need to get back to it, for the sake of my sanity.

Well, hopefully, this is a bit more cheerful than last night's wrist-slitting festival. I am focusing on growing and expanding my personal strength and beating down the depression with both fists. I *will* make my way through this life and I *will* become the person I want myself to be. I simply have to.