I feel like I'm losing my mind. So much rage, so much pain. Anger is just blazing inside me. I want to tear apart everything I see and throw it into an inferno. Whatever purpose anger is supposed to serve, it is twisted in me. It is all I can feel other than depression right now. I'm not saying that it is all there is to me, I know that's not true. Just a few days ago, I was feeling fine. But right now, nothing is in me except fury and hate and despair.
I want to run away from everything. Leave life behind. Take a couple of people with me and leave the world I know behind and never return. The world can get along just fine without me. I can't take life. The rage is tearing me apart. All I can do is grit my teeth until they scream in pain, pound on everything in reach with my fists, and shout curses at existence. I don't know why, I don't know what's causing it and, really, does it even matter? I have to cope with the way things actually are, rather than the way I'd like them to be.
I'm trying to call to mind some spiritual principle, some meditation practice, anything that can alleviate the torture. Nothing works. I feel like the powers that be are plotting ways to drive me completely mad. Maybe it's a test of some kind; if so, I think I'm failing miserably. So much in my life is going wrong and I can't manage the most basic coping mechanisms. Thoughts of death are hounding me. Perhaps it's Karma. Perhaps in another life, I did something truly awful. Whatever it is, I do not believe it is part of the loving plan of any deity. This has nothing to do with love or providence or some unearthly paradise. This is anguish and it is right here and right now. It is not sin, it is insanity.
I will try to survive this for my wife and father. I will try to continue to live even when I feel nothing but loathing for life. There has to be something worth living for; I've found it other times, I can find it again. Now that I have vented, I'm calmer. Maybe that's what I needed to do. Release the poison. Hopefully, it won't just build up again. To my wife and my new dear friend who will probably read this, don't mind me if I indulge a daydream about all of us running off to some obscure part of an obscure country and living the rest of our lives in some wilderness somewhere, being mad and joyful and magically ourselves, with no one to judge and no one to mock us. I know it will never happen, but it is a nice fantasy. It gives me a certain amount of peace.
Mystical nihilism, heathenry, chaos magic, theistic Satanism, endless music and books and a passion for the poles of the human experience
I think you're right that purging the poison is a step in the right direction. Our culture pushes us to suck it up, to play through the pain, to pretend like our emotions aren't happening, but that approach is really destructive. A very wise woman once told me (OK, me and all her other blog followers) that you have to let yourself experience your emotions, to acknowledge that they are happening and to validate that you deserve to be allowed feel them (even if other people are telling you that you should be ignoring them). Whether you ACT on those feelings, especially in a way that would affect other people, she said, is another story. Sometimes, just validating that the feelings are occurring and that you have the right to be having them can be enough.
ReplyDeleteSending good vibes your way!
Love, Jaime